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Subject:This post is meandery and conversational and sidetracked! I like it!
Time:09:52 am
Goooooood morning, internet!

I woke up at about 5:30am today, frantically pounded out my words for yesterday1, and then fucked around for a little bit. Around 6:15, I determined that I should probably go back to sleep.

Except I didn't really want to. On a fundamental level I object to sleep in the same way I object to death2. But typically when I wake up, I feel quite strongly about immediately going back to bed. This is a bad habit, and why I have been known to hit "snooze" on my alarm for upwards of an hour, yes I know that's a terrible idea and not actually any more restful3.

But I awoke and processed the situation and despite falling asleep at my laptop sometime ambiguous last night I felt...reasonably spry, actually. So instead of setting a three-hour alarm4 and going back to sleep, I turned on the alarm and opened my book.

CORRECT DECISION!

I think I have been unaware of just how critical long, uninterrupted, stretches of reading time are for my self-care. On Sunday of FaerieFest, I spent from about 5:00pm to 6:30 lying in a hammock re-reading Good Omens, and I swear it was better than a nap.

So I think my mental assessment of "booooks?" is going to involve a lot more of keeping one relatively close at hand than it used to. Fiction is important, damnit, and I bet if I find compelling enough stuff to keep by my bed, my mind will be willing to trade thirty minutes of reading it until the second alarm comes on for hitting snooze four times.

(Ah, but getting me to stop reading...)

So it's just before eleven, I've burned the morning re-reading Feed, which is the least bad way to burn an unemployed morning I can think of. I haven't quite finished it yet, which is okay (I need to swing by a Friendly Local Bookstore6 and pick up the next two --they were from the library originally, I read them before I had an automatic Buy This for all Seanan books). My immediate plans are to eat breakfast, and maybe do some room cleaning and laundry and post-faerie stuff, and otherwise be a bit productive.

I think today will be a good day.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: 750words lets you set your own time zone. For the first couple years of the site (including my longest streak, double-including the breaking of my longest streak) I kept it strictly set to midnight, local time.

When I restarted it, I pushed the timing back to better fit with my nocturnal nature. Somehow this turned into just permanently setting it at the latest zone (Hawaii, which typically has its midnight at 6AM my time) and occasionally (and increasingly frequently) writing my words in the early morning before going to work.

Now, it's entirely possible that if I don't need to leave the house by 6AM, I will go back to waking up at a less ungodly hour (I have woken up at a time starting with four at least once a month for the last school year) and then I can go back to actually writing my words in the damn evening like I'm supposed to.

2: That is to say, with every fibre of the core of my being. We, as a community of humans who understand such delicate things as "innovation" and "medical technology" should have fixed this by now. I mostly feel the same way about menstruation, but recognize that some people like the power inherent in the Sacred Feminine blah blah blah make the blood stop staining my boxer briefs, kthanks.

3: Currently I'm not working on it, with the vague concept that once I get to the new place, I will make an Active Effort to design my room such that I do not get to go back to bed after hitting snooze.

4: I have not exactly worked out the correct lengths of time for me to be unconscious, but at least the first few subscribe to the typical "one and a half hours" I hear thrown around as an average. So 1.5, 3, 4.5, and 6 hour alarms are all typical for me. I'm pretty sure 8 is better than 9, but I'm not sure how that plays with 7 vs 7.5.

I come by my sleep fascination honestly, I have a father who drives5 a car bearing the license "MORFEUS" and who did his thesis on sleep labs. My ADHD makes me neuroatypical enough that they probably don't want me for most sleep studies :(

5: Well I did. He abandoned that vanity plate when he left MD. The Chicago one was ASA AQA (American Society of Anesthesiologists, something quality something?). I dunno what he's got down in Texas.

Mom's was Galileo (named after the Star Trek shuttlecraft, not the astronomer, much to the chagrin of at least one lonely dude who had just moved to the state and followed her to a busy parking lot to meekly inquire if she knew of any stargazing clubs). The next car was technically named Catbus, but she kept the same plate until she moved to Chicago, at which point she switched to GREYK L. Her newest car is called the Gullfire, and if you need me to explain the reference, you need to hang out with mom more.

I eventually figured out that most people *don't* have vanity plates, and was kinda disappointed by that knowledge. If I ever obtained a car, I would probably determine it worth the extra 50 dollars to have one that says MOOP! on it.

6: I interviewed quite nearby to a Soulless Chain Bookstore, which is actually where I changed my clothes. They had both Blackout and Deadline (for some reason Porter Square Books never seems to have the third) but being as I knew my bike ride home would take me past two separate indie shops, I resisted.

Further resistance came from not going into either the Harvard Book Store (which I just learned is clever enough to own harvard.com) or PSB. Look at how good I am with money! Resistance will break as soon as I realize there are sequels to Wee Free Men and other Pratchett nonsense I've never read (most of it, honestly) and then I will have no money and even fuller bookshelvesstacks.


Postscript: Fun fact! I'm pretty inconsistent about tags, but the "footnote-orgy" tag I've used on this post is only allowed to be used on posts where the footnotes have footnotes --not just when I do like eight of 'em. YAY!

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Time:10:18 am
I am going to New York FaerieFest!

I will be on a bus for much of today, then camping for five nights, then on a bus for much of Monday. The site really does not have great cell reception, and I'm not bringing my laptop, so I'm gonna be super slow to respond to things. If you need me, *email me* at kdsorceress, gmail (the usual address).

Looking forward to showing you lots of awesome pics once it's all through! <3

~Sor
MOOP!

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Time:04:50 pm
Today was the very last day I needed to be in the school building (which of course means there's at least two small things I need to drop off tomorrow before I am *done* done, but I digress).

I cried a bunch and took some final photos of my office (they're on Twitter) and then determined that I was going to take the long way home and take pictures of nature. This was a good decision! You can see the results under the cut! (The results are mostly birbs)Collapse )

And I'll put my favourite photo from today outside the cut, because that's how I do --I caught a sneaky chipmunk hiding behind a chunk of wood!

Sneaky chipmonk

It was a good adventure. I feel good.

~Sor
MOOP!

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Time:12:06 pm
Stuff coming up:

Monday, June 20: Grades are due at about 10AM. Need to finish all the grading before then! Not sure what'll happen after, plausibly fucking around with (ex)coworkers.

Tuesday, June 21: Going to Boda Borg with [personal profile] mindways and [profile] nurrynurr! Am tres excite! Need to sort out times and the like. After, need to pack for...

Wednesday, June 22: GETTIN' ON A BUS AND GOIN' TO FAERIEFEST! This was an awesome lot of fun last year, and this year I'm actually going to be around to help set-up and work a bit, so yayyyyy. Goal: Work basically many of the hours that I am not listening to Tricky Pixie play.

Aforementioned Wednesday-Monday June 27: Hanging out in NY doing FaerieFest things and being weird and fabulous and enjoying myself quite a bit. Need to pack: Wings, stilts, parachute(??), camping gear, parasol, juggling stuff.

Monday, June 27: It's time for the end of season party at Cambridge Class! Yay!

Then I have a whole week off to do very little except look for jobs and the like until...

Monday, July 4: TIME FOR PINEWOODS AND DANCING IN THE WOODS YAYYYYY!

Aforementioned Monday - Saturday July 16 ESC at Pinewoods, and running things and having an awesome time! Then Scottish I and running a Midway themed party and having an awesome time! Then Scottish II and being the Dining Hall Manager and having an awesome time!!!

Sunday the 17th is going to be a rest day, guara-fuckin-teed. And then I'll be working for Asmadi, and maybe doing babysitting of some sort and also PACK PACK PACK PACKING until it's time for GenCon and who even knows what I'm gonna do after GenCon. Texas? Seattle? Acadia? WHO KNOWS?!

(And maybe even Dragon*Con this year, shh, don't tell)

~Sor
MOOP!

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Time:01:06 pm
Community is the most important thing we've got.

I mean, there's a lot of things you could put as the first word there. Innovation and creativity and love and a really nice MLT sandwich could all work, and I wouldn't argue them with you. But I honestly think, as far as I want the world to work, community's the Big One. It's the thing we should be fostering and working on and remembering as we travel through life and try to get by.

Community doesn't preclude arguing, or disagreements. But it does take those things and suggest compromises, look for ways to help as many people as possible feel as happy as they can.

Community *does* preclude abject hatred of outsiders. Okay, fine, yes, lots of "communities" are insular by nature and not really friendly to just anyone joining in. But that's not how it should be. Gatekeeping doesn't make your group stronger, it just makes it smaller.

Maybe people show up to your community who you weren't expecting to be there. That's a good thing! Sometimes you have to work with them to explain how the culture of your community flows, and may be different from other communities they've been a part of, but that's not the same as shutting them down or kicking them out. And maybe they'll bring ideas from their other communities that are worth considering or implementing.

Maybe people aren't showing up to your community, and you need to take a step back and think about how to change your community around. Maybe you need to be more welcoming to some aspect --even if you're not UNwelcoming, maybe things need to shift so the aspect isn't being ignored.

And deeper than any specific group, community says that we gotta look out for each other, we gotta take care of each other, we gotta hold hands and hearts and make the world a better place for those who aren't able to pick up the fight. As small as telling a rape survivor "I believe you and it's not your fault", as big as drafting legislation.

Making the global community better is the reason to change the world. And it's a good damn reason.

Look out for each other, folks. Try to remember that we're all just doing the best we can. Try not to assume malice without reason. Try not to judge groups on the behaviors of individuals. Try to open your arms and listen when people need it.

One thing I told my eleventh graders this year, a lot: Be gentle to each other. You're all you have in the world.

Community is the most important thing we've got.

~Sor
MOOP!

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Subject:You cannot change what has happened. But you can change what will.
Time:11:19 am
...but it also won't be an eight mile commute in single digit weather. It won't be "my daddy pays your salary". It won't be "your classroom management isn't good enough" without a real mentor to help me figure out why.

It won't be the skeevy feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I remember that I work at an institution that is explicitly anti-choice in its student handbook.

It won't be the good parts of the religion, but it also won't be my skin crawling when we ask God for the strength to help manage our anxiety with finals.

And it won't be seeing Megan every day, but writing words makes them true and she wrote that she still wants to hang out, so thank the gods, we will.

It hurts like nothing else --I am the dumper, most times, it's rare for me to get dumped-- but it was just a single job with its own goods and bads. I will find another. I will keep going.

St. Genesius, pray for me.

~Sor
MOOP!

Explanatory note: St. Genesius is the patron saint of actors and fools, as explained by my high school drama teacher Ms Barry. Before every performance, from 9th to 11th grade, all of us -techies and actors alike- would hold hands in a circle and pass the squeeze around. She would invoke his name, we would all scream "Pray For Us!!" and then we could get on with the show.

I still whisper his name before performing sometimes. It seems a fitting prayer to leave here with.
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Subject:The last time I felt this bad was...April of 2005?
Time:11:08 am
...and then comes "but", right?
then comes a sorry, no?
A thank you for your time?
A good luck in the future?

Again, there are no words to contain the way I feel on this, my last day of school.

Oh sure, there's finals to grade and a classroom to strip, but once the girls are gone the year is over.

I will find something else. I will find something else. And maybe it will even be as good as this was. Maybe it will be somewhere I can stay.

But it won't be music to pass classes and an office with a view. It won't be right next door to a for-real best friend and students I can convince to read Alanna. It won't be a place that feels like the best part of girl scouts and the best parts of teaching math all rolled into one.

It won't be here.

We'd like you to be a part of our high school. But only for a year.

~Sor
MOOP!
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Time:05:49 am
Last night I went to Boda Borg again! I was feeling kinda draggy and not so into the idea during the day, but by the time I hit the house at 5:15, I was pumped to go throw myself into the puzzles. I got there just around six, and wound up in a five person group of me and Sparr and squares!Chris and two other friends of Sparr's.

We did some good puzzling --it's an interesting balance to strike, sitting out being smug and giving little hints and helping people to solve the puzzles I have not yet. I feel that Darker is a lot more graceful at it than I am.

It's also fascinating doing the physical puzzles in a group where there are people a lot less capable of doing the physical parts individually. Because, especially in a group of five, some of them can be completed by working together. Giving arms and support to the other players --it's a little humbling to realize that sure, I'm in fantastic shape for these, I can just flit through but _not everyone can_ and I should go take care of my community and my teammates. We managed the first two and a half rooms of SuperBanan on this principle and it felt nice.

By about eight, the two people I didn't know well had headed out. Us three remaining teammates got some pizza, and then kept going in earnest. The best part? We beat Infra! And feeling even better, not only did we beat it, but I was the one to catch the trick to the last room! Woot woot!!

(Also, bless dancers and their senses of rhythm, because after a few frustrating starts of "did you do the thing at the same time I did the thing?" Chris and I started counting. Here's to completing puzzles in waltz time!)

We also solved light and dark, and I feel a lot better about the second room --the one where I was told "OKAY FLAIL WILDLY NOW" which was fun and interesting, but now I feel like I might have an actual handle on it.

We made it to the last room of Roll'n'Rock, and came up with a really good solution for it, but then had equipment failure that made it difficult to implement. (Something was sticking that shouldn't have been.) Of course, the second room remains the "Fuck this Room" as Sparr and I were fond of saying upon entrance, so it'll be a while before I actually get that third room, probably.

I think that was all the new stuff. We were trending puzzlier rather than physical, but I still have some distinct new bruises, and my right knee is twingey. I actually feel really good about this --we'll see if I still feel good in a few days. (Last time, I ached seriously for about four days after. This time, I have Highland!)

Final verdict? I have 14 of the 21 possible distinct stamps (assuming I'm counting correctly) which is an excellent thing. I'm very likely going back in about two weeks with Darker and someone (is it you?), and that should net me some of the physical stamps I've been missing (I want spider so bad it hurts), so I'm looking forward to that.

Boda Borg remains an excellent place. Do go!

~Sor
MOOP!

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Time:02:52 am
whiny, whiny, whiny, ughCollapse )

There's a reason I'm so damn thrilled when someone communicates with me textwise. I should get a lot damn better at responding/showing it.

<3
~Sor
MOOP!

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Time:04:54 am
Hello! Here are things that are happening in the very near future:

*Today to the 9th: Sparr is in town! Yay! He is staying with me, which makes things easier.

*Yesterday to the ??(but at least through the weekend): Alys is in town!! Yay!! She is not staying with me, which means I have to put more active effort into seeing her. This is critically important.

*10-14th: Final exams! Which means that they need to be written, because my finals are due to my department head to look over on the 3rd!

*6-8th: Final exam prep! Which means that the review packets I've promised my students need to be written and given to them by also the 3rd!

*Tonight: my musical singalong party! Which I am excited for, even though I am dead-on-my-feet exhausted and super behind on everything and really should postpone. I will certainly shorten it by a set --I don't know if I'm gonna be awake at 10 anymore.

Also there is ALL THE GRADING to do, and still A LITTLE BIT OF PREP WORK and I am in very much trouble. Or at the very least, I need to NOT SLEEP for a few days while I get this all written and prepped and graded and sorted out.

(Yes, I have posted in the last month or so about both needing sleep to function and about exhibiting signs of Depression. Yes, this is right at the crossroads of both those posts, and I am as amused as you are.)

Anyways, I'm grounded from livejournal until the grading is done, and that's the lowest priority right now, so you should leave me lots of charming comments that I won't be able to read for a few days. (being grounded almost always means I can still output information, I just can't input it. It takes a pretty severe fuck-up for me to not be allowed to publish --that's almost as critical as writing!)

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Subject:Sleep is for the week
Time:06:03 pm
So, did you know that sleep is important? Because sleep is, apparently, important!

Like, I've pretty much reached an understanding with myself, where I more or less "get" the idea that I have to eat, regularly, and honestly quite a lot. I'm still not particularly good at it1, but I understand that if I'm feeling mopey or wounded or depressed eating is probably a really good first step.

I have not reached this understanding with sleep yet. But Sunday and Monday nights were both 4.5 hours, compounded with me being SUPER SORE AND TIRED from BodaBorg still. Tuesday and last night were 6 hours, which is a lot closer to normal2.

Yesterday wasn't great, as I was still catching up, but today! Today everything has finally clicked back down, and I feel so much better. I mean, I'm still painfully stressed, behind in my grading, and in the middle of dealing with hellish logistics about both my future job and house, but damn, that extra hour and a half makes a difference.

(Of course, I'm not going to get a chance to actually pay back my debt this weekend, because convention...which I don't necessarily have a room for...um...shit. I should figure that out. Probably in the next twenty-four hours.)

So maybe I am going to make it some kind of goal (coughHabiticacough) to actually get at least 42 hours of sleep a week. I can do that, right? It's not even two full days! ;)

~Sor
MOOP!

1: I don't have disordered eating or food aversions, but I do completely hate cooking. And food shopping.

2: Strictly speaking, to function at my approximate baseline definition of normal, I should be alternating 6 and 7.5 hours of sleep a weeknight, with 7.5-10.5 a night on the weekends. This allows me to do the valuable awake things that keep my brain happy, and also gets me enough sleep.


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Subject:Substitute blues
Time:05:44 pm
I am sortof chronically disorganized in most things, and my classroom management skills are apparently shite, and it is a true fact that I, on average, prep most of my lessons less than an hour before I need them.

But if there is one place I succeed as a teacher, and how, it is that I write magnificently thorough sub plans. Because after three damn years of putting up with that bullshit? There's no way I'd not.

I feel like I am adequately paying forward my teacher-karmic debt.

~Sor
MOOP!

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Time:05:20 pm
The warm-up question for my geometry students tomorrow:

[Mx Whimsy] has just bought a really hoopy new towel! It’s the same colour as a bulldozer and says “DON’T PANIC” in large friendly letters along the top. When she measures the area, she finds it’s a whopping 3,318 square inches (enough to completely cover the head of the Ravenous Bug-Blatter Beast of Tral). She knows the length of the towel is 79 inches, but can’t seem to remember the width. What is The Answer?


I should probably not be allowed around impressionable children.

~Sor
MOOP!

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Time:03:14 pm
Like every good nerd1, I occasionally sit back and think about what my alignment would be.

(Classic AD&D style --in KamB, as in real life, I'm pretty much always Chaotic Hungry. And none of this 4e bullshit)

And like every good nerd, every once in a while, something happens to me and I find myself in a situation where I can just *feel* the shit-eating grin of the Big Gamemaster2 In The Sky. Because if you do too many things outside your alignment, you get pinged, but ohhhhh is it tempting some days.

My school's website is a dot-org. The dot-com version of the domain is not currently purchased. They did not hire me back and while I do get that it's not personal, I'm still bitter that I have to job hunt and re-deal with medical insurance. YOU CAN SEE WHERE SOMEONE WOULD START TO GET IDEAS, RIGHT?!

Anyways, I was curious enough to click the "buy this domain" button, whereupon it asked me to put an offer into a textbox...and when I tried "$25", informed me that my offer must start at $1000. So my alignment today can remain comfortably at "neutral poor3".

Alas!

~Sor
MOOP!

1: There is no correct way to nerd. I am describing one subset of my geek culture. If your nerddom doesn't involve DnD or even tabletops in general, that's cool too.

2: "You say GM and not DM?" (tw: misandry ;) )

3: This is an interesting discussion into a different set of words, since even when I've been scraping together rolls of dimes to pay rent, I have never been, culturally, poor. I am extraordinarily lucky, and hope that remains the case.


PostScript: So, what's your alignment? And based on this post --I was careful not to say-- what do you think mine is, or better yet, what do you think I think mine is?

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Time:12:27 am
Fun Fact About Sorcyress 1: I passionately and viscerally dislike passing through tunnels when out and about in the world.

It's not a claustrophobia thing --I was thrilled to be squirming my way through tight spaces at Boda Borg. It's something to do with the sudden and total restriction of freedom in case of attack. Long stretches of scaffolding along the sidewalk elicit the same reaction. If someone were to jump out at me in this space, my options are terrifyingly constrained.

(And it's definitely got an aspect of "can I be attacked here" --I can drive through tunnels with no trouble at all, or ride through them on the T.)

Fun Fact About Sorcyress 2: Approximately every 4-6 months, I spend Way Too Long getting sucked into the terrifyingly dark part of humanity and read about a whole lotta shit I shouldn't be reading about.

When I say "terrifyingly dark" I mean that I've largely stopped reading about serial killers on wikipedia, because at this point, meh. (Plus, you know, I've read 'em all). Humanity's a lot more fucked up and terrifying when it's *not* killing each other.

This is ALWAYS a bad idea. Always1. I get spooked and nervy and do not like being anywhere with my back exposed. I have made huge strides in the field of "being able to handle my fear" but it still leaves me jumping at shadows for a few days. I have a wonderful large imagination, and a good retention of things I've read. This does not serve me.

Fun Fact About Sorcyress 3: There is a tunnel I have to pass through on my commute.

***

So it's possible that I am leaving work much later than usual due to FFAS2 up there, and it's also possible that I spent a considerable part of the last two hours reading about gross things2. And I've been listening to music, and daydreaming, and mostly calmed down the part of my brain that's busy going "YOU ARE ABOUT TO BE KIDNAPPED AND TORTURED FOREVER OKAY"

And I reach the tunnel! The tunnel goes under a bridge. There is technically one on each side. There is no easy way to cross the street over the bridge otherwise, which kinda makes sense --why bother with pedestrian walkways interferin' with the cars when you can just waltz on under! The tunnels are lit at night, which is cool, but the path angle is pretty awkward for the side I usually take.

So I'm cruising along, pretending that I'm not super nervous, because let's face it, I've been kinda fucked up on fear a few times in the last month, and I just keep gritting my teeth and sailing on through because the tunnels only like 50 feet wide, maximum. So, bike bike bike bike THERE IS A SHOPPING CART THAT WAS NOT THERE THIS MORNING AND HOLY SHIT THAT'S A PERSON NOPE NOPE NOPE.

Fun Fact About Sorcyress 4: My brakes currently work! Boy do they!

I screech to a halt and call "sorry!" across because I see the person starting to stir and oh shit I just woke them up, and then I try to back up while still straddling the bike which causes me to fall ass over teakettle and drop my bike on the ground. "FUCK!" "wait, sorry, sorry, have a nice night, bye!"

And I grab my bike and hightail it away from the tunnel and say "fuck it" and watch the traffic and rabbit my way overland across the street because I don't care that there's probably not someone in the other tunnel NOPE.

And I feel _really_ guilty, because the person was A) just trying to sleep and I woke them up and B) probably feels kinda gross and not-a-person and offended that I didn't want to go near them. I wish I could explain that it's totally not them, they are probably perfectly nice, it's just that I hate that tunnel anyways and I was kinda freaked and something being different was just completely unacceptable.

But you know what? With the exception of falling off my bike, I didn't get hurt or tortured in the slightest, and I'll take that small victory.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: "So why do you do it?" Eh, some combination of morbid curiosity and an enjoyment of the adrenaline rush. Plus, some of the scary shit I frequent contains some degree of "here's how to protect yourself" and that might be useful in the long run (hi r/Let'sNotMeet!)

2: Baltimore tried real hard to win the title of World's Worst Catholic Sex Scandal, and no, I don't want to know the actual competition for that one, I've had quite enough for one night thanks.


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Subject:Sorcy does Boda Borg!
Time:10:52 pm
SO LET'S TALK ABOUT BODA BORG!

Boda Borg is a team puzzle solving challenge dungeon. There are seventeen quests, each consisting of 2+ rooms. Every room has a success mode and at least one failure mode. Sometimes a lot of failure modes. They warn you right off the bat, and repeatedly, that you are going to fail, a lot. Especially because not one of the rooms comes with instructions...

Insert evil laughter and a whole lot of YES here. This is the sort of thing my parents were talking about when they wistfully sigh about how they wanted a big ol' warehouse on the nice side of town. They wanted to make their friends do this bullshit, and how!

Some of the quests are purely mental. Some of them are purely physical. Lots are in between! And I just spent EIGHT HOURS kicking ass, taking names, and having an absolutely great time.

[personal profile] mindways organized a group of 21 of us --eight veterans and thirteen newbies-- to come check it out. We got together at 2:00, and I wound up in a group with three strangers. The four of us kicked ass and had a lovely time --and yes, we failed a lot-- until about 5:30 when two of them had to leave.

Cue dinner and a group switch. I was itching to try some of the hardcore physical challenges --which I had been warned ranged from "kinda tough" to "American Ninja Warrior". And yes, there are at least two challenges that I am physically incapable of doing right now, which is genuinely and actually awesome. So I ran about with two different strangers, and Mindways, with me and Alex making lots of jokes about how Mindways and Ted had it SO MUCH EASIER being that they're both in the 6'+ range and Alex and I were...not.

Around 8:30, Mindways had to head home. Ted and I found his (??), Rebecca, who was the last of the other group, and the three of us decided to be the last stragglers. We finished another few rooms together, and finally at 9:30, our bodies decided to call it quits.

I had an absolute blast. I love the way that sticking with one group is good, in terms of solving puzzles, and I was very pleased with how well my later groups did with letting me take point on rooms I hadn't seen, to figure out how to solve them (and they would just do whatever physical things I requested). I got one nice compliment from Mindways, when I finished a room in about three and a half seconds and he sorta looked at me and said "so most people find that part to be really challenging, because [thing x]" and I just sortof goggled and replied that I hadn't even noticed.

I would one thousand percent go back, and am lightly planning to with Mindways and his sister in June once my school year ends (they both have often-free-during-the-day schedules). If you would like to go, hit me up! I will not spoil the quests for you! I will be obedient and maybe give hints if I am nice and be competent on the things that require competence.

Final verdict (no spoilers but I do say which rooms I found difficult or notCollapse )

I am all for puzzles and I am all for physicality and I am all for situations in which you are expected and encourage to fail better. It was a really great time, I enjoyed hanging out with all my teammates, and I encourage all of you to try it too.

And now I sleep for fifty years and see if my shoulders stop aching. :D!

~Sor
MOOP!

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Time:09:21 am
HEYO FRIENDS!

Last night, around 9:30, I could feel myself crashing. "Maybe I will sleep for 20/90 minutes1 and then get up and do more things". I said to myself.

Then I processed more. Wait. I'm done my words. I don't have anywhere to be tonight. The friend with groceries in my fridge can just lock the door behind them. The only thing stopping me from just going the fuck to sleep for the night is the weird potential that I will *maybe* get something done if I don't.

I slept from 10pm to 8:30am. I got up on my alarm without hitting snooze2. I took a shower and started a load of laundry and am eating breakfast while reading webcomics.

I feel *splendid!*

I hope you can find the self-care you need today too.

***

Unrelated to anything, today's SMBC is one that I would like to post in my future classroom, but can't.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: These are the only acceptable times for naps. More than 20 minutes and you risk hitting deep sleep that you'll be groggy coming out of, less than 90 and you won't get a full sleep cycle.

2: This is one of my big failings and I'd like to be better about it. I read somewhere that the way to practice is to go into a dark room and set an alarm for five minutes and lie down and then get up when the alarm goes off, but I am a champion at falling asleep and all the good times to do that are times when I should be sleeping anyways.

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Time:04:30 pm
I have been grounded for much of this week, and sneaking around behind my back anyways. This is no bueno. But! I have steadily been getting better each day at Getting Things Done, and while I'm still hopelessly terrifyingly behind on grading, I'm beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel kinda-sorta-maybe.

Today was actually mostly pretty good feeling. I prepped lessons that I don't think sucked, and I administered a test that I'm looking forward to grading (I'm doing that next) and I checked off all my Habitica dailies for my work account, which is a definite accomplishment. Graduation is tomorrow, and I will maybe come on the early side and see if I can get some grading work done from like eleven to noon.

Also tomorrow? MATT HARDING DANCES WITH EVERYONE IN BOSTON!!!!! I am REALLY excited about this!!! I will probably aim to be at the 5:00 Boston Public Gardens dancing, but in the extremely unlikely chance graduation lets out super early, I'll be at the 3:00 one too/instead.

("who the hell is Matt Harding?" Search "where the hell is Matt" on YouTube and TAKE TEN MINUTES TO WATCH SOME PURE JOY! I recommend 2008 and 2012 (in that order)!1)

After dancing with Matt, I'ma go to REI in the evening and take advantage of their Mad Sales to get a) better/more panniers for my bike, b) a new helmet2, c) rain pants maybe, d) WHO KNOW!?

After that, I'ma head home and I have me a hot Skype date with a friend of mine. :3

Then on Sunday, I will hopefully do more productive shit (room cleaning, lesson/finals prep, grading) in the morning and then I'm off to spend much of the day at BODA BORG! Where I will solve puzzles and get frustrated and climb on things! Those are my plans.

Maybe if I'm really impressive I'll even (shh!) apply for some jobs.

Happy weekend, folks.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: I'd link them, but because I am grounded, my SelfControl app is on, and YouTube is one of the blacklisted sites.

2: Nothing's wrong with my current helmet, it's just five years old, and while it has taken no major hits, it's taken lots of little bashes as I knock it off my desk or whatever. Safety at least third!

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Time:04:43 pm
((More of the same --TW: mental illness, suicidal ideation linked but not mentioned, go read Leftover Soup))

A PostScript to the previous post...Collapse )

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Time:04:13 pm
Trigger Warning: Talk of depression (no self-harm or suicidal ideation)mek asked me yesterday if I have done, or plan to do, investigate having potential depression.

Which, there we go! There's the secret lever pulled! All that time a couple winters ago, when I was stuck in the job situ from hell and slowly disappearing from the pain and complexity of My Brain Is Not Right, I set for myself the idea of "if no one else is calling me out for depression, it can't be that bad right?"

And now I'm being called out. By a partner who has known me well for twelve years and who actually tracks enough of my different social media to get a coherent picture1. Hey Sor, maybe the parts where you can't get anything done for days and your room falls to pieces around you and you starve to death because you couldn't be arsed to buy more groceries --maybe that's a sign of something. And maybe you should get that sign looked at.

(I told him I had been considering investigating other possibilities for ADHD treatment, especially CBT if that's an option, and that I think it's generally more likely that I'm comorbid ADHD-and-SAD than ADHD-and-Depression. Now I have to actually Do Something About It, which involves finding a therapist, which is probably worse than finding a job and so I don't really want to focus on it particularly right now.)

But I don't want to have Depression. Goddess knows my brain is not remotely neurotypical, and I've a number of good friends and relatives who fight this dragon, but it's such a...well...depressing disorder. I have massive side-eying disdain for people who swan around declaring how wonderful their ADHD is, and how it makes them feel like a superhero, but at least scatterbrainedness and detrimental hyperfocusing and difficulties motivating to do simple tasks are things that feel familiar and reasonable to me.

ADHD is a vivid disorder --it has life and energy and big bursts of turquoise with yellow spots. It's too many projects and ideas fighting for attention in a brain that wants to be nerdsniped because oo, neat! Depression is all of that vanishing, emotion draining away until things are flat and empty and feelings can no longer be tripped. Depression is a lot of fading away and disappearing, and my whole life has been cemented around the dual ideals of freedom and existence2.

I don't ever want to stop existing. You do know I'm not joking when I say I plan to be immortal, right?

And I feel emotions delightfully vividly. I don't do emotions by half, not joy, and not sorrow. I find a great morbid satisfaction in my racking sobs, as my mind falls itself apart (and a better one in being put back together again). And joy --oh joy! I smile a hundred times a day, at evesdropped banter and cute dogs and bugs (bugs!) and a ballroom full of dancers.

Losing that connection --losing that ability to feel...That terrifies me. And I don't think I'm quite there. Yes I slow down (especially when it's cold), and yes I go quiet and empty sometimes, but I don't think it's often enough or deep enough to qualify as the numbing that surrounds Depression.

I sure as hell hope not. Maybe I'll find a way to talk to someone more expert about this sometime soon. At the very least, it is important to me that I have friends kind enough and blunt enough to call me out when I need it. And if nothing else, it's sure as hell a notice to my brain that we need to do some rapid repairing of the things we have fucked up. I've had more and better motivation and focus today than most of the last "since-I-got-unhired"3.

Thanks for reading.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: If you're going to track one thing, make it LJ. That's the one that feels like safety and home. Twitter's good for more immediate stuff, and Facebook's good for physical events and calendaring.

2: The potential of an empty page. Not having to call anyone and tell them when you'll be home. Enough money and social networking to quit your shitty job when you realize it's killing you. Freedom freedom freedom.

Enhancing other people's lives. Making them feel things they didn't before. Having stories told about you, having the stories you tell be remembered. Existence existence existence.

(Good girls aren't here.)

3: Yes, I definitely think this is a lot of the here-and-now. Not all of it --I've got problems that spiral back years if you care enough to watch the patterns-- but enough of it. Things in my brain are substantially worse than they would be otherwise. Writing, as always, helps substantially.


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