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Subject:Personal drinking stuff
Time:07:38 pm
I am having trouble keeping my posts singular and not interlinked. So let's have a few thoughts on drinking, kaywot?

this is long and meandery, but here you go: Sor's views on alcohol being put into themselfCollapse )

ETA: 4: I use "packy" here in its shorthand as "package store" and not as a misspelling of a racist term. Check the LJ comments for more interesting discussion!

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Subject:Alcohol is not magic
Time:07:01 pm
Content warning: Alcohol

Just gave a piece of advice that I really like and I want to save, so I'll give it again here:

"Alcohol is not magic"

And what that means, is that if people have negative traits or say negative things to you when they are full of alcohol, it is not because the evil tipsy-juice attacked their tongue and turned them into an asshat. It's because they already carried latent asshat tendencies, and suddenly did not have enough impulse-control to keep them hidden from you anymore.

Trust their drunkness. The thought had to be somewhere in there for them to say it at all --it was not invented out of wholecloth by the alcohol.

***

Now, it is very worth noting that people tend to have a couple layers on their brains and thoughts. Sometimes, people have negative shit going on that they are aware about and are trying very hard to keep buried, or to manage, or to deal with. Everyone has some negative traits, it's up to you to find someone with negative traits you think will work well with your own.

So sometimes people will, honestly, say things that they deeply regret when they are drunk. They will have accidentally shared the no-good first layer surface thoughts, and not the 2-10 layers underneath of "why do I think the things I do". As a substitute teacher, I constantly have to force past my first thought of "you annoying little fucker" to "maybe you are having a hard day; change is hard; differing learning styles or abilities; how many adults actually respect you; homelife; etc etc etc"1. I am familiar with the fact that we all have thoughts that are maybe not our best, and sometimes we say them anyways.

But there are ways to handle that, too, that are good signs that the person is normally conscientious. I keep myself from losing my temper and venting that first thought by pulling students aside, or out of the room, and talking one-on-one with them --nine times out of ten, they become completely manageable as soon as they realize that I'm gonna take them seriously as a person. In the case of drunken outbursts, look for actual remorse the next chunk of time, or reparations.

But seriously, right up there with "if someone tells you "I'm no good for you" believe them" in the realms of good advice is that thought above: alcohol is *not* magic. No matter how much you otherwise want to think it is.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: And if you are a teacher of any stripe who leaves it at the first thought, get the fuck out of my profession, you make me look bad. Kids are complicated and real. If you cannot have empathy for how _unbelievably fucking hard_ it is to be a child, you should not be working closely with them.

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Time:07:36 am
Some quick points (this will probably not actually be quick):

*Cross-country romances are stupid and I should probably not. Especially not _twice_.

*The internet is wonderful and so I am going to anyways. (like there was any doubt)

*Having driven to the airport three times in the last two weeks, I am now capable of getting there and back without directions. The airport is apparently only like seven miles overland, if you take the highway. This is pretty weird.

*"If you were easy, you wouldn't be as interesting" followed by brief conversation on the ways I strive to appear easy while the inner clockworks are doing quite a lot of the scut work to keep me such. This should turn into a less-brief thoughtdump. Related: High maintenance but worth it; I do much such maintenance myself.

*NO REALLY, I need to deal with my music collections.

*I may have...there is not a word for this. So years ago, Tho wrote a piece about a girl which remains one of my favourite writings. Me being stubborn and demanding, I do in fact know the album he found later to listen to, that didn't have her in it, and I have very stubbornly never sought it out.

For years I had a playground that I referred to by the same name. It was the playground in Columbia that I had _never_ been to with someone else. I brought Sparr to it about a year before I moved, which was good in terms of opening myself up, but weird in terms of the trust involved in "I am giving you something that should be absolutely and entirely my own".

So, I may have done that again, but with "Go Away Godboy" and that is...complex. Not bad. Just complex. And Godboy was never _really_ mine solely in the first place, but...but yeah.

*There are some ways in which I don't think I could be having this new relationship without my closeness to Tailsteak, and I should write about that, but almost certainly *not* post it. It's weird, okay? It's famous to fifteen people and the lines between (small)gods and humans and the fact that we are all just people underneath it all.

*And it's the realization that, two years ago at Balticon I waltzed with a goddess, without fright. That should've been overwhelming in its intimidation, but no. Because nearly a decade ago, I was first titled a Demigoddess of Dance and that means that in my aspect, I can interact with damn near anyone. I find this more fascinating than anyone else would.

(Would you look at a king? Would you sit on his throne.)

*I have a brain worth nurturing. But for now I must go to work.

~Sor
MOOP!

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Time:05:30 pm
I write a lot about desirability that somehow says very little. Warning: sex talk. Also, footnotes.Collapse )

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Subject:Arisia 2015 ConReport
Time:04:49 pm
It’s been a while since I made a proper one of these con reports, but I like making them. So here is an Awesome-Good-Meh-Bad-Ugly report of this Arisia!

Awesome:
*I have found my hill and I'm gonna die on it. See, [personal profile] londo declared to me, first time when I saw him on Thursday, that his mother was better than mine. Like what is this bullshit, nobody's mother is better than mine. I instantly declared him heinously wrong and my arch-nemesis, later slapped him with a glove as a formal declaration of war1, and commissioned people all throughout the weekend to go up to him at least once during the con and tell him "I hear Kat's mom is cooler/better than yours." It is a fantastic thing.

(As an aside, I'm sure Conor's mom is _exceptionally_ cool. She may very well be the second coolest mother in the universe. Unfortunately, can't beat the Werewulf, as she is the master of momitude (never ever forget it's all about her).)

*It has been a pretty gawddamn good convention weekend for hot dickings, and that's all I need to say about that.

*I fucking kick ass at Powerpoint Kareoke3, which should not be shocking nor surprising to me. See, I am aware that I am good at improv (I am only half-joking when I say that Powerpoint Kareoke is basically my day job), and I am aware that I am funny, despite my sense of humour being...strange. I mean, I was pretty sure when I volunteered that I was going to be pretty good at it, but it was _super gratifying_ to be onstage and make people laugh and then to have any number of people come to me after and congratulate me.

But it's the sort of thing that makes me wonder if I shouldn't try to refine this talent. Like, can I be funny in front of people more regularly? Can I be paid money to do it? Should I try to put together a standup routine (hahahahhahahahano) and go to an amateur night? I don't know.

*I think I have a new partner? Which is not a sentence I've been able to say since I turned 212. I do a lot of relationship anarchy and umfriends, there've been just bunches of people who I have cuddled and snuggled and kissed and occasionally more'd, but I...feel serious in a way I haven't in a long while. Fingers crossed!

Good:
*My clothing was super on point, basically the whole time. So many good costumes, multiple changes a day because suck it, that’s how I roll.

*The Art GoH was [profile] leemoyer, who is an absolute doll, and who I haven't seen in maybe fifteen years. Old, longterm friend of the family, and it was kinda fascinating to watch how utterly unbothersome it was for me to switch into "yo, I'm a damn dirty poly kinkster who likes sex, what up!" when chatting with him. And I got to spend three hours working with him to help frame art and be ready for the weekend, yay!

*I gave blood! I gave a whole pint and will maybe organize a group-go in eight weeks because that would be awesome of me!

*Shortly after clawing myself back together before the masque, I was standing straight and tall and casting-praying. I glance down casually, and an eleventh doctor sitting in the audience suddenly waves wildly in my direction. It was my favourite student from my last long-term gig! It was good to see him, we chatted some about this-and-that, and probably I will see him at future Arisias. (it is decreasingly weird that my students are humans and thank god I was in my octopus queen outfit and not the black leather miniskirt).

*Actually, I ran into two of my students from that batch! The other is apparently a second-gen, with parents embroiled in the "running the con" department, who I saw a couple times running around and helping out! Both of them were kind enough to tell me they missed me.

(One of them asked me to make [realteacher] pregnant again, to which I responded that I was not capable of doing that, but I'd tell her husband. So, uh, if you're reading this dear, there you go. Put more babies in your wife. ;)

*My rad friend [profile] tdjewell was in his first masque! He won BEST IN SHOW because he is awesome! here is a pretty great picture of his costume, in case you're wondering what kind of madness a novice needs to pull off to win Best in Show like that.

*Jugggggggggling! Lauren found out that there was an hour of "open-and-teaching" juggling, followed by an hour of "free juggle!" and we went to both and had a blast. I learned some cool modifications to try instead of just a plain reverse cascade, she got to practice tossing pins with another person, and both of us got heaps of regular practice and things to admire. Apparently there's an MIT jugglejam that happens in the infinite on Sunday afternoons...this is a timing we can both actually make! So that might turn into even more and better awesome.

*Late Sunday night, I was full of brainweasels and out of cope, so I decided to flounce. I grabbed my computer, stomped off to the game room (I had a strong suspicion [personal profile] anu3bis would be there), flopped in a chair next to him, and attempted to write morosely while he played Cosmic Encounter.

Of course, then the group finished Cosmic and just happened to have a 1kBWC deck and OKAY FINE, I will play your stupid game and have a GOOD TIME instead of being MOPEY. Sheesh! At about three AM, we all disbanded, but Anu and I wound up sitting in the elevator lobby on the eighth floor talking about everything and nothing for another hour. It was...really nice. He comes from a very similar fan-life as my parents (up to and including having met his wife at a LARP), is mostly separate from my other friends groups (in a way that is good for venting without causing drama) and has the dual traits of being completely friendly/cool with the idea of poly, kink, etc while also being happily and monoamorously married.4

Meh:
*I felt pretty floaty and indifferent about all the dancing, which was not the greatest thing. So I did not do very much. Maybe next year?

*I...worked the masquerade. I worked the masquerade after telling many people that I don't work tech at Arisia (save set-up and strike, and I've even kinda been doing less of that) and after intentionally not working tech at Arisia for several years now and after confirming to myself that _no really_ not working tech at Arisia is a really good thing for me to do.

The masque itself went well, I took over as an emergency follow-spot because they needed one, and I managed to get all the people spotted adequately, and spent "only" ten hours working on Sunday which was not the worst way to spend Sunday of con really. But top of a spot tower is lonely, and the middle, between rehearsal and masque, was the worst braincrash of the weekend.

Bad:
*So, the only downside of the fact that I think I have a new partner is that ohemgee, NewToy energy, during a time when I would _reeeeeeeally_ like being able to spend a lot of time with a more different partner who is going through sort of a shitty lifespace this week. So, even though I am quite sure more different partner is capable at taking care of themself, and not being upset that I am having this NewToy, and even though I am quite sure new partner is also capable at taking care of themself and being totally understanding that I have to be there for more different partner...

Yeah. It is my job to save the world, doncha know, and I found myself occasionally complicated around the idea of "you are both amazing people and I desperately want you both to be happy and taken care of, and I am not entirely sure how to balance that, aiee!”

*I bid on a piece in the art show5, which I did not win. I probably could've gotten it, if I had thought to go straight there at the end of masque rehearsal instead of up to the room to eat, but I completely didn't think of it, and when I checked in after dinner, the bidding had ended. Like, I know who the artist is, there may be another opportunity to get that print, but a) probably not as affordably, and b) the tipping point for "I really like this, should I bid on it?" was that the print number was 8/250, and eight is hella one of my numbers. SIGH!

Ugly:
*Man, when I was walking down to the ballroom this morning, there was a woman throwing an absolute screaming fit about...something. I was a little behind an Arisia Security person, as they approached the table to check in (two adults and three kids), both the woman and the man she was with started shouting "GO AWAY" at the top of their lungs.

Don't fucking do that. If you need to throw a fucking temper tantrum like a goddamn toddler, do your absolute fucking damndest to not do it in public. If you're gonna do it in public, don't be surprised when people come over to check in and for _christ's fucking sake_, don't scream at innocent workers, especially not ones who are goddamn volunteers.

I later saw the same security person again and pulled them aside to just say "I'm really sorry you had to get yelled at like that, it was not cool." Which isn't my responsibility or anything, but I felt so bad for them, it was a big pile of gross and this random person did not have anything to do with it.

So, I got a new phone a couple days after giftmas (her name is Ida, she is an iphone 6 wrapped in a heinous orange and purple otterbox, I appreciate her existence about as much as I did Nyota's) and then I made this tremendous mistake when I was transferring music. To wit, I grabbed a couple random playlists that I figured would have everything sufficient to my needs.

I DO NOT CURRENTLY HAVE IMMEDIATE ACCESS TO A COPY OF "THE TOWER" WHEN NECESSARY. Nor "Harbour", nor "Whatever You Want", nor "City Hall", nor fucking "BETWEEN". Shifting from the all important Vienna, I'm also missing Amanda's "Oasis" and S00j's "Cheshire Kitten". In fact, pretty much the only strength song I have on my entire instant-access music player right now is "Go Away Godboy", which is a hugely significant and good thing, but not anywhere near enough.

This discovery --a moment where I was fracturing just in the ways that One who survives by making the lives of others worthwhile; she's coming apart would fix...oh gods, I went from being sorta out of it and sad to a full sobbing freak-out breakdown alone on top of the spot tower. Thank _fucking_ god for YouTube.

So I'll be fixing that shortly.




1: It is possible that this declaration may be on film, which is probably a terrible thing. I blame K.

2: Literally, my sir and I got together on my 21st birthday.

3: Powerpoint Kareoke! You are assigned a topic! You are assigned a slideshow! You don't know what's coming next and neither does the audience! TURN BULLSHIT PHASERS TO FULL!

4: This is a trait I especially appreciate, because it means I can talk about my life without worry of judgement *or* worry of "oh shit, am I leading this guy on by existing-while-poly." Truth be told, the latter is a lot scarier to me than the former, having friends who I know, in no uncertain terms, are off limits in *both* directions is important and necessary to my ability to be a non-sexually desirable personality. I should just make this footnote a separate post, I could word-spill a *lot* about it.

5: Third one down here, the Cthulu-girl. OH GODS YES PLEASE.


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Time:06:23 pm
I think the worst truth I know is that it doesn't get any easier, it just gets different. Life is hard when you're ten. It's hard when you're fifteen. It's hard when you're twenty. It's hard when you're 25. It's hard when you're 30, and 35, and 40, and 50, 60, 70, 80...

I think the best truth I know is that we are (I am) strong and can get through it anyways. Even if it doesn't always feel like it. Hard gets different, but strength builds.

Don't mind me, I'm just in a morose frame of mine. If you are going to think nice thoughts, think them towards a friend of mine whose da is in the hospital with brain cancer (and probably not coming out again.)

Everything sucks but we survive and keep going.

~Sor
MOOP!

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Subject:Last few days
Time:09:50 pm
I arrived back in the Boston area at about seven o'clock last night. Rather than do anything sensible, like unpack, rest, and recuperate from all my traveling, I repacked my bags a bit and biked over to Nurit's so we could go to a party and then have a sleepover at her place.

The party was exceptionally excellent. It was a friend's birthday party, and included dancing around like idiots to The Bloodhound Gang's "Bad Touch" and excellent food and root beer floats (of varying ages) and best of all, partway through, the hostess mentioned that it was one of her dreams to have her friends find passages from all her books that they loved and read them aloud to her.

Um, can I say HELL YES loud enough to get across how deeply I love this idea? Also, we totally fucking bonded when I went to read the dance scene from Mockingjay and learned that she had simply gotten rid of it after being so angry and sad. Seriously, it was like a three minute interlude of both of us yelling over each other being all "AND IT'S NOT FAIR" "THE WHOLE POINT" "SO TERRIBLE" and then hugging.

Anyways, without being able to read that dance, I instead read the bit from Hitchhiker's Guide about alcohol (later Neil read about towels, and Emilie read the opening from So Long and Thanks for All the Fish), and the bit from Tamora Pierce's "Squire" where Buri is pointing out to Kel that Lalasa closes shop three nights a week and teaches holds to commoner girls, to help them defend themselves. It was so great and comfortable, and wonderful.

Finally, she kicked us all out (things I love: friends who are self-assured and confident enough to be able to announce "okay this was great it's time for you all to leave" and not have to worry about hints or hemming and hawing. EXPLICIT COMMUNICATION FOR THE WIN!) and Nurit and I went back to her place where I fell asleep in a big way.

In the morning, Nurit fed me french toast (she is the best) and eventually we both left, her to visit awesomefriends Kyle and Martha, me to go to [personal profile] mindways's house for games. I played Fearsome Floors, which is apparently the sort of game I am hilariously bad at1, and kicked some ass at Junglespeed and Red7. At the party endtime, [personal profile] keshwyn was trying to escape their WolfCub to go to the grocery store, so I wound up distracting him so she could leave and Mindways could do proper goodbyes, then he, I, and the Cub wound up hanging out and playing together for a couple hours. I like kids!

When it was time to leave, the snow had already been falling pretty steadily for over an hour. Both adults checked in with what could make things easier (including an excellent suggestion on Keshwyn's part of sticking my feet in plastic bags because I was wearing fucking _chucks_ and that is not a good mix with snow.) but did not overbear or patronize me, which I find pleasing. In general, my friends who are a decade+ older than me are good at treating me like my own competent adult, but it is still a thing to look back at and smile about. Especially because I have friends my own age who would look at my bike and the amount of snow and pitch a fit. ++ for people who respect me enough that when I say "I've got this" they believe me.

(and I did got this. It was my first snow-ride this year, and it was mostly really calming and comforting. I like reassurances that I am competent enough to push back against Mother Nature when she comes calling, and a couple inches of snow is a great one. I had one or two cars who did not recognize that bicycles are allowed to take the lane (so fuck the hell off) but that was it. And of course, I was dressed to the nines, wearing the reflecty jacket, and had fresh-charged lights. It was good!)

Now I am back at home at the Sanctuary for the first appreciable amount of time in over two weeks. Tricia made (unbelievably fucking amazing) apple cider cookies and Joseph handed me a wad of bills and I have done a little puttering --more cleaning will come!

2015 so far does not suck.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: I am not good at chess. I am not very good at looking at a game board and predicting the moves my opponent will make and so the moves I should make, especially not several moves in advance. I'm pretty good at tactics --what is the best move at this exact moment-- but not really at the strategy involved in "if I do this, they'll do this, and then I'll do that and they'll do this, obviously."

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Time:12:44 pm
(From late last night)

It has been a Most Excellent winter vacation.

I flew out eeeearly on the 23rd to Chicago, where I could hang out with the family plus Sparr in order to do Christmas and stuff. I helped mom get the tree and decorate some, made tasty things, watched some stuff, the whole shebang. Christmas day itself was lovely, and I got many wonderful presents (and gave a few that I am proud of —I pretty much won for my siblings).

After Christmas, I spent the time oscillating between my awesome mother and my lovely boyfriend. I am still navigating the time management involved with having them both in the same faraway city —I did feel quite good about the day or so where I went to Sparr’s after he was done with work, stuck around until the morning, and then left at the same time he did, to go spend the day with mom.

I played a fair number of board games (yay!) and watched Batman (YAY!) and snuggled and snarked and it was all a really lovely time. And then came New Years…

At Pinewoods this year, I won in the silent auction tickets for two and a place to stay for Hogmanay. “Why not” said I, “I’m sure my rad friend Laura will go in with me, and we can work out the logistics later. (As it turns out, I think we paid exactly what the tickets were worth, which is hilarious to me.)

So early the morning of the 31st, I got on a plane to fly to Philly, while Laura got in her car and drove down from Norhhampton. Due to some “Life happens” quirks, our original place to stay was a lot less accessible than anticipated, which meant I had to be a horrendeous imposition on my awesome friends Jennifer and Steven and stay at their place instead. They were absolutely thrilled, and between them, me and Laura, another friend Becca, and *another* mutual friend she dragged over, we had quite the party house. We ate well, we hugged the puppy, we balanced stuffed animals on our heads, A-plus-plus would stay again in a heartbeat.

Hogmanay itself was lovely, but the soles of me feet were unusually tender and I wound up sitting out most of the second half. Which, you know, oh no I have to hang out and chat with Magus, this is awful. ;) I got to see many friends I do not see often (including Guin and Geoff who both came in from various parts of the west coast!) and I engaged in some extremely valuable “networking” about various Candidate Classes besides my own, and their trials and triumphs.

Today (the first) was the afterparty for Hogmanay, which was about as awesome as the dance itself —if Hogmanay is the ball part of Pinewoods, this was the camphouse porch part. I played four games of Hanabi (including a “25-or-bust” variant game which we won!) made some friends, ate good food, chatted with wonderful people, had my hair braided by a dearly wonderful “oh thank god I’m not the only Homestuck at Pinewoods” friend of mine, and *finally* learned how to play cribbage. Neither Laura nor I had any plans at all until 4:00 pm on the second, so we felt totally comfortable with the idea of staying for a while and driving later. It’s only five or six hours!

We wound up leaving Jennifer and Steven’s house a little after nine. At least when we did so, we were pretty much aware that this was not nearly as appealing a decision as it had been at noon, but we both agreed that we’d rather sleep in very late tomorrow in Northhampton than get up early in Philly and do our driving during the day. Both of us are competent and accomplished nighttime highway road trippers, we would pull through.

And we have —I’m writing this entry at about 12:30 in the morning of the second. I drove us from Phillyish to the first rest stop in Connecticut, Laura’s at the wheel now taking us through to her home. Tomorrow, she will do her four o’clock thing, and then she’s coming to Boston regardless for other party stuff this weekend, so she will be kind and drop me off anyways (rather than my having to try and take three bags and a backpack on the train). Tomorrow evening, I have a different Laura’s birthday party to visit, which I am hoping will be enjoyably low-key, Saturday I’m going gaming, Sunday I’ve heard speak about hitting up the BIDA contra.

And then Monday I finally rejoin the real world, except for all the parts where let’s be real, my whole life is designed to encourage AWESOMEBUSY! I’m looking forward to 2015. It would have to put actual effort in to be worse than 2014.

~Sor
MOOP!

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Subject:Absurd New Years Posting
Time:03:41 pm
Yoooo, it's the end of the year and time when people think of New Years Resolutions and stuff. I don't normally do them --I am much more of the "why don't I just make resolutions that start 'now' instead of waiting until an arbitrary time" line of thinking, but you know what? I'm gonna make a GIANT LIST of bullshittingly hard resolutions for 2015 and then I'm gonna do ALL OF THEM PERFECTLY!

No, I'm totally going to do like half of one for a month and then feel shitty about this when I look again in a year, but I'm weirdly comfortable with that. I don't make grandiose goals for myself nearly often enough, at least not ones I actually write down anyways.

So let's have a giant list of goals for 2015.

1) I am going to use 750words.com to type at least 750 words every day. Lots of this can be the endless backlog of things I have handwritten when I did not have access to a computer and wanted to write stuff. EVERY DAY, Y'HEAR?! (these goals are already bullshit, my previous best-ever record for there is 220 days, and I haven't come close to something like that in the four years since.)

2) I am going to some significant subset of all my music from Vera (old computer) onto Kela (new computer>. The parts I won't transfer are the parts of music that I genuinely have no interest in listening to. I have spent about a year with only about 200 songs, and that's not enough.

3) I am going to finish editing the first draft of Dante's story, so that I can rewrite the entire thing. Possibly I am going to finish editing the first draft such that I can rewrite the entire thing for NaNoWriMo 2015.

4) I am going to get all the paper in my room (in Boston) into the filing cabinet (in Boston). Or gone. I'm also gonna go through the folders in that filing cabinet and get rid of a bunch of stuff, hopefully.

5) I am going to visit mek. Ideally over February vacation, but holy shit that's soon and I have no money right now, so...sometime in 2015?

6) I am going to start tracking my bike milage again, and bike over 1000 miles over the course of the year. (for anyone being "whoa so much", no, no it's not. It's less than 20 miles a week. I already average at least that, I just lost my tracking notebook eight months ago and never started again.)

7) I'm gonna clean my room and get it to a state I like living in.

8) I'm gonna pass my unit 2 and 3 candidate class exams (I don't remember if I told y'all, but I did pass my unit 1, with an 87.) and teach a Scottish Country Dance basic class, at least once.

9) I'ma go to three straight weeks of Pinewoods and have a baller time at it. I may even go to Firefly beforehand. I'ma do everything I can to make sure that ESCape --English, Scottish, Contra-- week is a fucking fabulous (and financial) success. This should probably start by finding the right people to badger about making a website and possibly _doing it myself if I have to_, because not having something to link here is difficult.

10) Graaaaadddd schoooooolll no I have not

I shamed myself so much writing that that I just put in my initial interest form for the Boston Teacher Residency program, which I've heard good things about. And I glanced at the requirements for Tufts. So, you know. Good start, me.

Anyways, be enrolled in a grad school program by the end of the year (by which I mean, if it's too fucking late for a fall 2015 program, fine, I suck, but I should at least be able to say "yes I'm definitely going to foo for the spring.)

11) Do the 100pushups program such that, at least once in the upcoming year, I do 100 consecutive pushups.

12) Be cool and practice my Highland such that maybe I can perform at the 2016 NEFFA. That'd be rad.

13) Dance, at least once, in a locale other than the greater Boston area.

14) Build a pair of stilts. Wear them at Honk like a bamf.

15) I dunno, be awesome? I feel there should be a mental health goal in here somehow, but I don't even really know where to start. Maybe I should make a more portable happybox? Certainly I should make a "good shit I have accomplished so shut up about being worthless dumbass" list to put into my happybox for when I am distressed and need ammo.

16) Okay, I do know where to start --make an active effort to learn management techniques for ADHD and start trying them and _tracking_ them. Maybe this looks like a day planner, maybe this looks like software to keep me offline unless I meet certain requirements, maybe this looks like a sticker chart on the back of the door, maybe this looks like investing in and more fully using habitRPG, I don't know, I don't care, just...throw things at my brain and see what sticks.

17) Make enough posts to AmbidanceBoston, even if they are interesting to no one but me, such that I have averaged one post per month I have had the blog active. Challenge mode: ONE PER WEEK!

18) Get rid of bunches of stuff from my room. If you want things that I own you should seriously and legitimately tell me, because if I don't actively want it (there are many things that I passively want) and you *do* actively want it, it benefits us both for me to give it to you.

19) Install the copy of Morrowind Sparr gave me, never be seen or heard from again.

OKAY GOOD LIST FOLKS! I will add to it copiously over the next few days as I think of other things, because I AIN'T EVER GOING HOME (and therefore am going big. That was clear, right? y'all are familiar enough with the go-big-or-go-home dichotomy?)

~Sor
MOOP!

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Time:06:19 pm
Yo, happy Christmas y'all!

I got many wonderful things, most of which have dinosaurs on them. Things are good.

I hope your day today is nice, whatever you are doing. You should tell me about it!

Lots of love,
Sorcy Kat

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Time:10:53 pm
This year I have taken and posted over 120 selfies to my Tumblr! Did you know I do this? It's a project I started approximately around Merav's wedding (May? I think May) to take at least one selfie every day and post it. You can find all of them in the selfies tag!.

(Have I mentioned how much I love Tumblr's "chrono" feature? So! Useful!)

It seems to be a Tumblr tradition that at the end of the year, one goes through their selfies and posts some of their favourites, or most popular, or best or whatever. I am not good at that (mostly because I am vain and therefore have like thirty favourites), but I will try and narrow 'em down regardless. Under the cut is full of MAH FACE!Collapse )

If you have any awesome shots of yourself from this year, you totally should link them to me so I can squee about how great you are!

~Sor
MOOP!

1: I dunno if I ever mentioned, but it is just so *convenient* that all my recent friends with kids have chosen differing, usable, animal themed handles for them! Little Bear, Lion Cub, Wolf Cub...so good!

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Time:06:02 pm
Content warnings: Protests, police. I was neither arrested nor physically harmed.

In 2009, I went to my first World/Inferno Friendship Society concert.

Now, I am not punk rock or cool or intimidating, but I can be stubborn. So as the opening act finished up, I realized I was standing very near the stage and so made a conscious decision that I was gonna watch from the very front row. It was at TT the Bears, so when I say front row, I mean that Jack Terrycloth was within arm's reach almost the entire time.

There was moshing behind me, and a near constant barrage of other fans swaying and flinging themselves closer, trying to get a better view. But while I am strong, I am also stubborn and so no one --fucking no one-- was gonna get in front of me and block my view. I set my feet and shoved back at the people twice my weight and by golly, I managed to enjoy the whole show, and encores, from that coveted spot. It's not an ability I use often, but if I want to stay solidly at one point in a crowd, I can.

***

Today I went to my second protest march. It was the Millions March Boston, in protest of the racist justice system and the unpunished murders of _so fucking many_ black men and women I can't even keep count.

We started in front of the state house --I joined the march at about 12:45, which was luckily just a few minutes before they started moving. We marched through Boston, until we hit a point where the cops had barricaded our path (!!) and stopped us moving. At that point, we turned around, and continued a different path until we arrived at the Suffolk County Jail. We protested outside the jail for a bit, and then again our path was blocked by the police.

We decided to link arms, and assert our right to march and to demonstrate peacefully. The word was spread to march forward and push through the cops standing there.

Remember that vignette I posted at the beginning of this entry? As our crowd of protestors shifted, I found myself in the third row, then the second, then the first. We were pushing forward, and the police were pushing us back. It is not an ability I use often, but if I want to stay solidly at one point in a crowd, I can.

Today I had a riot cop's hands on my chest, his visor against my face. It is so far the closest I have ever been to being arrested. I feel lucky that the police did not turn to excessive force, but then again, I am small, female-appearing, and white.

There were four arrests, I was not close enough to them to know any more than that. Eventually, we lost enough of our crowd support that we had to turn and march back to Park Street instead.

I am small. I am female-appearing. I am white. I should not be afraid of cops. But then, no one should be afraid of cops, and that's the system we're trying to overturn. Eric Garner. Mike Brown. Tamir Rice. Darrien Hunt. One more black man every 28 hours.

On Monday I am going to call my representatives, to ask for justice for these men and women who have died. I am going to ask for laws that protect all the nation's people. I am going to ask for a world where the police are a group who serve and protect Americans, not attack and murder them.

I am going to ask for a world where we do not have to march. But until that world gets here, I will use my talents. I will stand firm when I need to, for all the people who can't.

~Katarina Whimsy

PostScript: As one last parallel, the stage at TT the Bear's is only about sixteen inches high. When I looked at myself the following day, I had some truly impressive bruising around my knees. I wonder what bruises I'll have tomorrow, from being peaceful

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Time:05:26 pm
Like eight billion years ago, there was a livejournal meme where you had to list 10 things you loved beginning with a certain letter. I have no idea if I actually completed it or not, but it's marked in my email as "do this eventually" so hell, why not now.

Answers are pretty arbitrary and "as I think of them" meaning I'll probably leave some really good ones off.

Veronica gave me B:
  • Bananamines Sometimes I work for my friend Chris, in his bananamines. It is generally a good thing. Sometimes there is Hanabi! Once, there was defenestration. That's right y'all, I have legit been paid to defenestrate things before. It is one of my favourite things that I am technically "professional" at.

  • Books It is true, I am bibliophillic. As if any of you are surprised. Today I finished the xkcd What If book, and checked out some nonfiction mathyreads.

  • Bisexuality I mean, let's be real, I'm awesomesexual and that's never gonna stop being the easiest and best way to describe the subset of humans who I potentially like (all the awesome ones, probably including you!). But for demographic purposes, I'm bi.

  • the Brazillian Boom-Boom It's a butt enhancement infomercial. It is the finest of all infomercials. mek can probably tell you more.

  • Butts

  • Beetles I mean, not as much as I love spiders or nothin', but they're pretty damn great. Especially the super iridescent kind! *swoons*

  • Bugggssss! BUGS ARE GREAT AND I LOVE THEM!

  • Balance-balance-pas-de-basque Strictly speaking, while I do statistically enjoy this more than regular pas de basques, this is mostly just on the list so I had at least one dance thing.

  • Blood This never really comes up, because _so many diseases_ but blood is red and viscous and metallic and I think it makes my body want to faint despite my mind thinking it's rad, which is a super-fascinating disconnect.

  • Ballet dancers en pointe I am not elaborating it will make me blush way too much.


Alys gave me X. I cheated heavily.
  • Xysticus eeee genus of little brown crab spiders!

  • xiphoid "shaped like a sword" (so, phallic?) Also, I'm down with many things that are shaped like swords. *waggles eyebrows*

  • xebec IT'S A PIRATE SHIP! I AM A PIRATE! Oh man, and one of the French ones was named "Serpant", I know my dream ship from history now.

  • xenolalia and xenography The ability to speak or write in a language one does not know. That is...every possible interpretation is ritualistically interesting.

  • xenialHospitable to guests! I like having guests!

  • x-rated I enjoy a good bit of non-child oriented media on occasion. Bonus points for words or still pictures.

  • 18XX I mean, so far I've only played 1830, but I have a 100% win record, against a world champion, so, you know. They're pretty neat.

  • Solving for x It is the classic, and I am (sometimes) an Algebra teacher.

  • xkcd I am a little ashamed at how long it took me to think of this

  • Xenesthis immanis IT'S A TARANTULA! I LOVE EVERYTHING!


Hopefully this posts without error, I am typing on a work computer, and IE version whatever the fuck who uses IE is not rendering dreamwidth nicely.

~Sor
MOOP!

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Time:04:35 pm
Yesterday was a slug-day. I got home from work (in rain so torrential that my pants were still damp this morning, despite being hung to dry sixteen hours earlier) and accomplished pretty much exactly zero, besides Tumblr and not going to Squares graduation.

Today I decided that no fucking really, we are going back to the world where I am not allowed to touch computers for an hour after arriving home, and not only that, but I had to repent for yesterday where I was going to follow this rule, but bent it to be all "oh, I can just spend fifteen minutes online, right?"

No. I cannot just spend 15 minutes online if I am damp and cold and unmotivated.

So today I washed my hair and paid the oil bill and made scrambled eggs for lunch, and did a couple loads of laundry, and put away a big ol pile of clean laundry that's been out for ages and tackled the GIANT PILE OMG of papers from the last couple years of teaching. It took me an hour and a half to sort through and get rid of 2/3rds (or more) of the entire pile. I feel pleased.

(Things that I was keeping: paperwork that I want to hold onto for another couple years, like paysheets, really good reference material, lesson plans that I myself actually created and am proud of, random papers that have diary-type handwriting on them that I don't have time to look at right now, and evaluations. Oh, and empty folders and unused workbooks, which was over half the stack I kept.)

I had needed to do this particular papersorting for several years now --I am annoyed at myself because it means I moved two feet worth of papers (height, not volume) for no appreciable reason. Siiiiigh.

It is a much less slug-day. There's still lots to do (my room is closer to livable, but not there yet, and the house is basically just depressing) but I have done some good decrufting today, and I am happy. Now I just need to really start tackling getting rid of stuff, especially if I'm going to move next August (which seems likely, sigh, this household is not working out the way I'd like.)

Whee!

~Sor
MOOP!

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Time:05:32 pm
In other news, I seem to be fighting my demons armed with nothing more than a lemon cake and a small purple elephant patterned with jungle animals. (link tw

I think I want to illustrate this.

~Sor
MOOP!

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Time:03:58 pm
Frustrating things about Facebook:

Like, I totally made an event the other week about how it's my danciversary and I want people to come dance with me and I invited a tonne of people and a handful said maybe or whatever.

And today a friend posted "HOT TUB AND BOARD GAMES TONIGHT AT MY PLACE!" and some of our mutuals are now being all "cool I'ma go to that!"

And like...I have zero beef with friend for having parties. I have zero beef with other friends going to his party. Hell, I don't even have beef with mutual friends actively choosing to go to his party instead of mine.

But I am kinda made sad by the fact that I have to know they're making this choice. Like, Facebook, could you not show me when people who I invited to an event are going to another event? Is this an impossible request from a coding/backend perspective? Facebook already limits the feed to the bullshit it thinks is "important", so why the hell does it think it's "important" to show me people I invited to a party are going to a different party?

Sometimes technology doesn't make things awesomer. But I'm gonna go make a cake, and then go dancing, and that will be okay.

(And no, it's not just Facebook that's got me down, but sFB is an easy thing to complain about, and people will go "I know right?!" and go into their own rants and it will be sortof cheerful annoyance and sorta fun, where if I whine, again, about the fact that boo-fucking-hoo I was in a shitty relationship once, it'll feel like awkward and sad and not fun at all. I don't want to be not fun, not tonight.

Seven years and six days more. And it's been so long that sometimes I can't even tell what neuroses are their fault and what are just my own fucked up control freak brain and whether or not I'm only just doing it for the attention and shouldn't I be fucking over it by now. Gods, it's a quarter of my life ago.

They shouldn't be able to make me cry anymore.)


~Sor
MOOP!

Comment request: If you are commenting...please keep it fun.

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Time:10:01 pm
So, having a wantlist is all well and good, especially when there are specific tangible items I can list. But perhaps far more useful would be an aesthetics list, to indicate the kinds of things I appreciate so one use those appreciations as a guide for things I'm likely to be into.

So here are some things that make my othered little heart go pit-a-pat:

Colouration: Orange (the whole spectrum, from eye-blinding bright to very dull and rusty. The exception is red-oranges, which I generally like less), Bright lime green. For girl clothing, red, for boy clothing, purples. For all clothing, earth tones (greens and browns).

Spiders: spiders. Other insects as well. I like carapaces, diaphonous wings, mouth parts, legs and legs and legs, the way house centipedes move, wasp-waists, scientific diagrams of insects especially, and did I mention SPIDERS SO MUCH!

I do not particularly care for most "girly" insects --butterflies, dragonflies, or bumblebees-- at least not as decoration. Damselflies are one of my favourites though. Not as much as SPIDERS though, unf!

And certainly nothing cartooned to be cutesy. I want them real and beautiful.

Tentacles: Preferably attached to octopodes, but also on squids or jellyfish. Soft, sinuous, curving, organic, yessss.

Masculinity: Comes in sharp lines and double breasting, pinstripes, pocket squares and handkerchiefs, french cuffs (and cufflinks, dear gods), ties (both bow and full), and kilt hose and flashes. Lots of rich purple!

Femininity: Comes in brightly coloured make-up (and lessons on how to use it), wonderful chunky heels, short tartan skirts, stockings and tights in any and every colour, flowers --especially wearable, *especially* of the "does not die" variety, and hairsticks.

Time: This comes in the form of antiques and Old Things, this comes in the form of used books, of hand-me downs, this comes in the form of the physicality of clocks and watches (I want many clocks), this comes in the form of yours, given freely to me.

Steampunk: Brass and copper as metals. Clockworks. Precision and order. More earth tones. Extraneous buckles and zippers, ideally large and chunky.

Space: Great yawning galaxies spangled with stars. The entire late 40s-early-50s bottlerocket era emphasis on bubble helmets and The Future Is Now! Shiny silver spacesuits, utterly implausible designs, chrome, gods this look is so cute!

Folklore and fairy tales: Especially when males are not the central characters or protagonists. Retellings of fairy tales are wonderful, more when they make it modern, less when they make it dark for darkness sakes (they were already dark, your tortureporn makes them boring). Anything ever to do with children's folklore and the rhymes they sing and games they play, especially in proper nonfiction format and cited sources.

Mariana Abromovic Basically her entire oeuvre is my aesthetic. Rhythm 0 is one of the most inspiring and fascinating and darkly beautiful pieces of performance art I've ever heard of. So many of her other things are just as good.

Queerness and Otherness: It's hard to explain this. But I like things that reaffirm/defeat/protect my feelings of otherness, and I like things that reaffirm my feelings of being queer. I am strange, I like strange things, that is good.

This is a good start. These are things I like. Maybe later I will do another version of this post, with pictures.

~Sor
MOOP!

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Subject:TW: Sexually/emotionally abusive relationship mentions
Time:07:53 am
They say your skin, your body, your self is replaced every seven years. Give or take, it's hard to tell, and I'm not here to discuss the science of it just now.

I'm here to say that, if we accept that premise as true, this body has never been raped.

And that's important.

~Sor
MOOP!

(But when will my mind be made new? Hopefully never --I'd rather keep the pain than destroy any part of my memories-- but damnit, I want a year when December 2nd (and January 25th, and Valentines Day, and February 22nd, and and and) doesn't hurt.)

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Subject:On cooking, on learning, on studying, on skills.
Time:08:18 pm
Made potatoes and eggs for dinner-1, which means this week I have made TWO DINNERS from scratch.

This is approximately the same number of dinners I have made from scratch from the, oh, three years prior to this week0.

It is very confusing and I still don't like cooking, but I have an uncomfortable suspicion that I don't like cooking in the same way I would previously say I don't like singing1. Which is to say, with a underlying current of being a teenaged genius who hates anything they're not immediately excellent at.

Apparently 25 is the age where I start to put actual work into developing skills, instead of just assuming that they should be granted to me instantaneously because I'm awesome. I mean, I still assume I should just get random new skills every time I level up, but I am willing to accept that I am entering more of a runequest model rather than DnD, and only have my skills increase when I actually use them.

Also, I was much younger when I decided I needed to learn how to juggle, and I can do a cascade AND a reverse cascade now and I am more proud of that fact than I am about my kick-ass SAT scores. Because you know what? I have a brain that is excellent at standardized testing. I do not have a brain that is excellent at juggling. But I have a brain that is willing to carry around juggling balls basically constantly for, jeeze, two and a half years now and practice with them in odd moments, despite the surrounding people laughing at me.

I didn't have that skill and now I do, and no, I am not a remotely impressive juggler and might never be, but I can do a standard three ball cascade.

And I don't know how to study. I didn't have to work in school --I failed assignments because they were boring, not because they were difficult. I don't know how to acquire skills I don't already have --and I am blessed with the mind and body to start off pretty good at a lot of skills2.

But I didn't know how to juggle, and always assumed it was a lot of flailing your hands around, but no, it's just a lot of practice and trying again and again and again until you can do two catches in a row, then three, or five, or ten.

So I have taught myself how to juggle. And I may teach myself how to cook. I already know some things, I already have some recipes. jere7my's egg salad, Magus's mac and cheese, Natasha's pancakes, Neva's brown sugar icing. My random flailing and throwing ingredients into a pot to make curry.

I might never be able to remember what "simmer" means, or feel comfortable using a "pinch". But I can make a roux and a simple syrup, I can crack an egg one handed, I know how to season cast iron. I don't think I'll ever make pasta from scratch, but you can buy it from the store. The sauce is the better part anyways.

Perhaps the cat ears will become a less foreign part of my costume.

~Sor
MOOP!

-1: You should take this whole entry with a grain of salt, since I am talking about cooking like I'm hot shit, but literally all I did was dice a potato, toss it in some bacon fat, throw on some salt and pepper, stir occasionally. Eventually I pulled the potato off, cracked in four eggs, a dash of milk, more salt and pepper, some shredded cheddar, and stirred a bunch. Culinary challenge, this was not.

0: I assume pasta wouldn't count unless I made the sauce. I made 2 AM chili, back when I lived in Dinosaur Sashay, and I made chicken and rice for SoNSo that one time he was visiting.

1: Granted, I don't ever expect to feel the fondness for cooking that I do for singing, but, you know. I could grow to "neutral to positive" instead of "pretty firmly negative".

2: My ability on stilts is the most recent of these I've observed --I understand the physicality of stilts pretty darn well, and did so from the very first time I was up on them. I pushed myself to learn how to fall, because otherwise I wouldn't know what to do if I tripped.


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Time:07:41 am
Some assorted notes:

I survived my first parent teacher conferences! The parents mostly seemed to like me, and a couple were really lovely-gushing which makes me feel like I'm on the right track. Learning that I'm a really good teacher for certain students is incredibly gratifying (enough so that they tell their parents that, and then those parents tell me).

***

My hair is braided by my own hand for the first time in...probably close to a month. The whole last week, it was done by a friend of mine who came over for hangouts and helping and snuggles last week (this was an excellent thing), the week before it was in the double braids that Cathy and Beth did for the SCD demo team concert, the week before that it was mostly down, and then I don't remember because there are limits to how much I care about my hair.

Apparently those limits are three weeks. ;)

Anyways, it's nice to do it myself, since I know best of all what my hair likes (my hair is not a metaphor for sex, shut up1) and am one of the only people I know who really has down the trick for managing different thicknesses of braid-chunk so that the braid comes out even anyways. This is both harder and easier than it sounds.

***

I have been off habitRPG for a couple weeks (since Halloween, I think, or just after) and also been off my meds. These two facts are not exactly related. On Tuesday, I bribed myself with chipotle to _go to the fucking pharmacy_, so I'm back on there.

There's a little bit of weirdness in wishing I could do some HIGHLY SCIENTIFIC (or at least practical) experimentation with how I feel with and without my concerta, because I was doing a pretty decent passable okay not actively failing job of getting a few things done without them. And I feel like my vague anxious wanting-to-fall-in-a-heap-and-cry feelings were abnormally high yesterday.

But let's be real, that might just be because this week appears to be the "SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW THAT YOUR JOB'S ABOUT TO END?!" week, and the fact that my job is ending is stressful enough, I don't need the added constant reminders about it. I've pretty much got it into a mantra now though (thanks to all the well-meaning parents last night) --"I'm going back to regular substituting for a while, and then I'll be doing MCAS prep work in the spring. In the longer term, I'm hoping to start grad school soon to help increase my job prospects."

NOTE
TO
SELF:
FUCKING FIGURE OUT GRAD SCHOOL.

(Note to everyone else: You will annoy the _shit_ out of me if you poke me and say "hey have you done any grad school research/figuring out lately?" PLEASE DO IT ANYWAYS. It's been three years since I got my damn teacher's license, and the prelim only lasts for five, and I actually cannot upgrade it without having my master's so YOU KNOW SOR, YOU SHOULD FUCKING FIX THIS IF YOU WANNA STAY IN THIS CAREER PATH.)

At any rate, I'm back to hRPG, and thinking that after I finish the quest my group is currently doing, I might try and restructure my party so it's back to being mostly people I know. Right now, it's half my friend Wil and his roommates/friends out in Portlandia, which is great, but there's a weirdness to cheerleading (and be cheerleaded by) people who aren't actually a part of my community.

***

It's all just a constant struggle to become a ~*~REAL ADULT~*~ who has their shit together and is able to actually do shit. I can't internally motivate for shit, so I'm trying very hard to externally do so. At some point I should go through various things and put together a little self-resource post of comics and things that I feel are good explanations of some of my particular issues.

Also at some point I should go through my brain and put together a little self-resource post of my neuro-atypicalities, and what I know about each branch.

BUT FOR NOW, I GO TO WORK!

~Sor
MOOP!

1: oh gods it totally is. You know, in the same way my room is currently a metaphor for my life (my IM stauts message. [personal profile] dhs is the only one who's asked about it, to which I plainly replied "you see, my room is a mess right now..."

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